if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
