we're blogging at a bar
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
