they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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