I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
