my sisters under your porch take her home
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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