This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
