Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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