It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
