I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The uberlube is also flammable
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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