My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
