So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My vagina just recognized that song.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
