I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
