ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
