My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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