I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
