Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
