How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
