thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
