trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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