Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
