I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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