this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
