I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
