I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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