If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
