When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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