ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
