why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
