That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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