You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My vagina is officially offended.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
