3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
