we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
