I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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