i would punch a child for taco bell
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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