I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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