you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
