My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
