Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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