My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
