"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
