i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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