After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
