I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
