i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
