Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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