and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
