Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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