just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
