if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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