I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
