Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
