you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
