So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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